damonjustisntfunny.com http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com Thu, 10 Apr 2008 15:06:51 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.2 en Of Britian and Backsplash http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/of-britian-and-backsplash/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/of-britian-and-backsplash/#comments Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:37:56 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/of-britian-and-backsplash/ During a recent visit to the United Kingdom I was reminded of a charming and altogether little publicized facet of British living, which I had pushed to the nether regions of my memory (for reasons which will become clear). It all came rushing back to me (literally) upon my first visit to the loo in my London hotel room.

British toilets, at least the consistent majority of those visited by me in the six or seven months of my residence there, are very peculiar. I would not suggest that American toilets are necessarily superior but I am puzzled as to how it is that such a small change in construction lends itself to a completely different toileting experience. A far less pleasant toileting experience, I may suggest, for those who prefer a dry bum at the end of a trip to the john.

In terms of engineering: the British toilet possess two distinct difference from its American counterpart: [1] a greater distance between the water and toilet seat; [2] significantly less water surface area. You can see this illustrated in a clever drawing below:

toilet-diagram

On a positive note, it would appear that a British toilet uses less water per flush; however, one’s feces reaches terminal velocity on the trip downward and, upon arriving at the small drinking-glass-size reservoir at the bottom, sends the majority of the toilet’s liquid content skyward, which quickly retraces the distance most recently traveled and arrives promptly at one’s bum with scattering force.

When I was a resident alien, in lieu of establishing a routine that permitted me to shower after each bowel movement, I asked how it was one avoided this exciting rush. The answer, given by many: lay toilet paper across surface of the water, thereby breaking the turd’s fall and reducing the splash effect.

And I did. And I didn’t question it.  And all was good, if not peculiar, until I returned stateside and forgot all about it.

My most recent trip across the pond reminded me that while we may speak the same language, our toilets do not. Of course: I am not the only individual who has experienced this “ass splash” — aside from the tens of millions of Brits who bear this cultural burden every day, a quick perusal of the internet unturns others with a similarly displeasing experience. From a more generic pondering to a comparison between british and german vessels, many greater men and women have attempted to tackle the beast that is the british bathroom.

All in all I have learned some important lessons, which form a syllogism (of sorts): [1] I don’t like water, urine, and feces splashed all over my bare ass; [2] British toilets are stupid; [3] but not as stupid as german toilets.

© 2008 Damon Timm.

Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/of-britian-and-backsplash/feed/ I Want My: Motorola Motofone F3c (CDMA) http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/i-want-my-motorola-motofone-f3c-cdma/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/i-want-my-motorola-motofone-f3c-cdma/#comments Fri, 14 Mar 2008 02:13:57 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/i-want-my-motorola-motofone-f3c-cdma/ This is how it happens:

I’m reading this article in the New Yorker and it mentions this cellular phone that one can buy, unlocked (i.e., no twenty-three year contract), for $50. The author, Patricia Marx, describes this Motorola Motofone F3 as an antithesis to the iPhone — it doesn’t even have a color screen — and this intrigues me.

Suddenly I want one. (more…)

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/i-want-my-motorola-motofone-f3c-cdma/feed/ Chocolate Coated Hips http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/chocolate-coated-hips/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/chocolate-coated-hips/#comments Tue, 12 Feb 2008 22:30:39 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/chocolate-coated-hips/ written and performed by Damon Timm
lyrics by Rosa Lee
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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/chocolate-coated-hips/feed/ Happy New Year! http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/happy-new-year/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/happy-new-year/#comments Tue, 01 Jan 2008 21:03:19 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/happy-new-year/ One year has passed since my last posting. It certainly doesn’t reflect good blogmanship that this much time has elapsed, but it does indicate that I have had very little to complain about in this last year. Which is also a bit of a problem — for it can be frustrating having nothing to rail on and only good things to say about my life and the people in it.

(more…)

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/happy-new-year/feed/ I’ll Do What You Do http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/ill-do-what-you-do/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/ill-do-what-you-do/#comments Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:56:46 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/ill-do-what-you-do/ written and performed by Damon Timm
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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/ill-do-what-you-do/feed/ My Way, Right Away http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/my-way-right-away/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/my-way-right-away/#comments Fri, 29 Dec 2006 22:30:22 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/my-way-right-away/ At a Burger King in the JFK airport, two days after Christmas, I asked:

“Could I please have: pancakes, a large order of hash browns, and a croissant with egg-product on it? And just egg-product: no cheese-product or meat-product. Thank you.”

The woman behind the counter pushed the corresponding buttons on the register and, dutifully, spoke my order aloud: “Pancakes, egg-on-croissant, large hash brown. $6.24 please.”

From my wallet, I removed and then handed to her: one fifty dollar bill and one quarter totaling $50.25 in American currency.

She handed me, in return, $4.01. (more…)

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/my-way-right-away/feed/ What Are We Looking For? http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/what-are-we-looking-for/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/what-are-we-looking-for/#comments Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:08:53 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/what-are-we-looking-for/ Having recently finished my Opus Magnus Podcatitcus I find myself occasionally in need of new and interesting ways to spend my free time in-between doing laundry, going to work, and eating eggs. As anyone with an internet connection will attest, there is nothing quite as time-consuming, or life-force-draining, as surfing the internet via search engine and news aggregator for nothing in particular (which is not particularly easy to find, I have learned). Click here, and then there, and then type in a keyword or two and suddenly you are in an unknown and yet to be explored realm of information, photos, videos and only you know what else.

Or: so you thought. (more…)

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/what-are-we-looking-for/feed/ Gonna Rain Tonight http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/gonna-rain-tonight/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/gonna-rain-tonight/#comments Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:02:07 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/gonna-rain-tonight/ written and performed by Damon Timm
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Gonna Rain Tonight is featured in the Chasing Kimbia VLog, Episode #15: Rain. Interestingly, Ben (see In Search of #6) will race against them in the Chicago Marathon. I, on the other hand, will not.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/gonna-rain-tonight/feed/ About - In Search of #6 http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/about-in-search-of-6/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/about-in-search-of-6/#comments Thu, 14 Sep 2006 05:00:10 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/about-in-search-of-6 In Search of #6 — a travelogue and memoir, written and performed by Damon Timm, available in its entirety on the web as a free audiobook and podcast.

Be sure to start with the Prologue and work your way to the end — there’s almost ten hours of continuous listening. You can download all thirteen MP3 files in iTunes or from your web browser or feedreader or, if you chose, you can read each chapter online at damonjustisntfunny.com.

If you’ve already taken the ride, be sure to leave a comment here (or pingback or trackback at your own blog to this post) announcing your victory, and check back on occasion for updates and any news pertaining to the journey. You can also listen to the New Hampshire Public Radio interview and read a synopsis of the story.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/about-in-search-of-6/feed/ Epilogue http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/epilogue/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/epilogue/#comments Sun, 27 Aug 2006 15:48:03 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/epilogue/

As first drafted over the Labor Day Weekend of 2005 and then revised and completed exactly one year later, only after the issue of “how to boil a hard-boiled egg at higher altitudes?” had been finally tested and documented as such: “very carefully.”

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/epilogue/feed/ Chapter 11: San Francisco http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-11-san-francisco/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-11-san-francisco/#comments Thu, 17 Aug 2006 00:48:50 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/cha/

Wherein Ben and Damon arrive at their journey’s end and the now infamous egg is cooked again with renewed hope and love, and is consumed with salt and pepper, and an occasional spattering of ketchup.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-11-san-francisco/feed/ The Congress of Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-congress-of-damon/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-congress-of-damon/#comments Sun, 23 Jul 2006 17:01:03 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-congress-of-damon/ I have always known I was not the only one.

In the first grade one of my best schoolboy friends was a Damon. I was not, however, threatened by his imposition on my namesake for he was skinny, and small, and had blonde hair, and always wore a St. Louis Cardinals hat (even when he was sleeping). And although he was the only one in class with the complete and working set of Thundercats action figures, everyone called him Damon J.

I was just Damon. (more…)

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-congress-of-damon/feed/ Chapter 10: Compline http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-10-compline/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-10-compline/#comments Mon, 17 Jul 2006 20:42:37 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-10-compline/

Wherein Ben and Damon admit to both themselves and their higher power that their addiction to eggs has disrupted the normal flow of their lives and that they must, through a series of post-prandial meetings, recover; they also continue to ride their bicycles.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-10-compline/feed/ We - You and Me http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/we-you-and-me/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/we-you-and-me/#comments Mon, 17 Jul 2006 20:31:33 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/we-you-and-me/ written and performed by Damon Timm
Download MP3 (more…)

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/music/we-you-and-me/feed/ Chapter 9: Vespers http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-9-vespers/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-9-vespers/#comments Sun, 25 Jun 2006 19:35:27 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-9-vespers/

Wherein Ben and Damon attempt to proselytize the uninitiated in the Tao of Bicycling; their prostitis, having receded from days of rest, is replaced by a yearning for the finer things in life, including, but not limited to: the soft-boiled egg of yesteryear.

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-9-vespers/feed/ In Search of #6: Featured on NHPR http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/in-search-of-6-featured-on-nhpr/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/in-search-of-6-featured-on-nhpr/#comments Mon, 19 Jun 2006 12:30:46 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/in-search-of-6-featured-on-nhprs-the-front-porch/ While I recorded my interview for The Front Porch on June 14th; it was aired on NHPR on June 19th, at 6:30p EST. If you missed the show live, you can still hear the audio online (my part begins at about minute 15:30 and goes to the end):

Listen to MP3/iTunes Stream | Listen with Windows Media Player

You can also read the show notes from NHPR.org.

One amusing anecdote regarding my interview on NHPR: a friend of mine from college (fellow New Hampshire-ite and bike tourer) was in a bar in Berlin (NH) and during the course of a conversation with a stranger came to discussing his bicycle trip across the country. The man said, “Did you hear that crazy guy on the radio who had only kissed like five girls and went on a bike trip out west?” My friend said: “Why yes, I have, he is a friend of mine.” And, of course, the man’s inner prejudice was reinforced, specifically: that all bike riders are whackos and that we all know each other.

Which is only partly true.

(more…)

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/in-search-of-6-featured-on-nhpr/feed/ The Radio Star http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-radio-star/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-radio-star/#comments Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:55:39 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-radio-star/ Despite my earlier boasts of confidence and braggadocio, I arrived at NHPR a complete and utter nervous disaster. In my jubilation at having won a spot on the radio to promote In Search of #6, I overlooked one valuable piece of advice that I will now share with you: never tell anyone you are going to be on the radio. It is much too stressful. (more…)

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/blog/the-radio-star/feed/ Chapter 8: Uber-Nones http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-8-uber-nones/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-8-uber-nones/#comments Mon, 12 Jun 2006 23:08:56 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-8-uber-nones/

Wherein Ben and Damon rest at Crater Lake and #6 heals hearts and wounds; Ben is devoured by mosquitoes and Damon cooks eggs in his rain coat while mastering downward-facing dog pose using a frying pan that had been given to him on loan by the Virgin Mary herself and forever changed the egg-free culinary habits of the wandering nomads.

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]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-8-uber-nones/feed/ Chapter 7: Nones http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-7-nones/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-7-nones/#comments Fri, 02 Jun 2006 10:27:12 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-7-nones/

Wherein Ben and Damon cross the desert and are greeted by two angels awaiting a messiah; Ben applies Arnica Montana and Damon is tired; an egg is taught to square dance but while it performs for itinerant woodsmen it is shot in the flank with a flaming arrow wielded by a mysterious rider on horseback.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

]]> http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-7-nones/feed/ Chapter 6: Sexts http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-6-sexts/ http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-6-sexts/#comments Sat, 20 May 2006 13:51:48 +0000 Damon http://www.damonjustisntfunny.com/in-search-of-6/chapter-6-sexts/

Wherein Ben and Damon rekindle their longstanding friendship and put aside their bitter feud while reevaluating the truer meaning of prandial; Ben eats a rack of lamb and, without eggs, Damon suffers a fit of epilepsy and is comforted by a misplaced sparrow’s egg, which he places in his bicycle shorts for good luck.

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Music | In Search of #6 | Blog

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